Character / Personality

I am shy. Please help!

What is shyness?

How to lose fear?

How to get self-confidence?

I am afraid to be an introvert.

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How to get self-confidence?

Dad's response

Once you have managed to control your irrational fears you can finally start to build up your self-confidence.

Try seriously to identify something you really like to do. Then keep doing it, until you are very good at it. You need something to show off. Don't censor yourself! It is important that you practice what you really like. It may be crossword puzzles, crocheting, reading crime fiction, cleaning carpets, painting landscapes, solving the Rubic's Cube, writing a diary, building toy robots, flying model airplanes, hiking, playing tennis, whatever! It is only important that it is some kind of activity. If you like to sit in front of the TV - forget it. That is not what I mean.

Self-confidence is ultimately based on competence. Only if you are really proficient in something, you will develop professional calmness. However, you can easily ruin a professional appearance with unnecessary mannerism, silly behavior or inappropriate clothing. Usually, it doesn't boost your self confidence when you get yourself a full-body tattoo, wear a nose ring, have your hair tainted blue or have a toothpick hanging out of your mouth. All this is silly nonsense that only highlights your insecurity.

Exercise your body. Get yourself an annual subscription for a gym or, if you can afford it, a personal trainer. Train hard, at least three times a week. Its not primarily about loosing weight! It is about self-confidence. Few things can improve self esteem better than a well-shaped and fit body.

Control your weight. Don't kid yourself - obesity makes it very difficult to be self-confident, especially for women. If you are overweight, see the advice on "How to loose weight"? activity.

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Paul McKenna (2006)
Instant Confidence. Bantam Press

Jen Sincero (2013)
You are a Badass. How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life. Running Press

Annie Ashdown (2013)
The Confidence Factor. The seven secrets of successful people. Crimson Publishing

Justin Albert (2014)
Confidence. Build unbreakable, unstoppable, powerful confidence in all areas of life. CreateSpace

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If you are a woman, don't waste your money on cheap clothing, useless cosmetics or fake jewelry. Stop buying all the lifestyle trash you see on TV commercials - such as trainers you will never use or household appliances that break after the first week. Save your money! Once you have a nice amount on the side, go to the most expensive, most famous hairdresser and spa in town! Get yourself a fancy new hairstyle, perfect make up, face mask, manicure, and foot massage! It is important that you save enough that you can afford the best in town - the second best won't do the trick! You should also buy yourself a set of elegant, well-fitting cloths. Don't purchase a lot of cheap stuff; instead buy the highest quality you can afford. If you don't have the money, start saving for it. Don't buy cloths on your credit card! It will only show that you are a cheap fake and too dumb to properly manage your money - which will make you even more unsure and depressed. And throw away all your old shoes! Seriously. 99% of women have horrible shoes, bought for appearance only. Get yourself elegant shoes that are comfortable. There is a simple rule: The higher the heels, the more insecure the women! While you pretend to look elegant, you know deep inside that you actually look stupid. No one can walk comfortably and safely in very high heels. Even professional models frequently stumble with their high heels. Save yourself the embarrassment! Some of the best "funny videos" are those of famous models stumbling over their high heels on the cat-walk. Just see below:

If your are a man, sell your Porsche! Seriously. In my experience, 99% of all men who drive Porsches (or some other fast car) have a self-esteem issue. Don't play tough and self-confident if your aren't. If you really want to become a tough guy go volunteer for "Doctors Without Borders" and save life in a war zone or disaster area. That will give you real self-confidence. You can also join the National Guard or become a volunteer fire fighter. Real men don't need Porsches - or some other silly "toys" to play tough.

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Sean Lysaght (2015)
Self Esteem. The alpha male's 6 laws of self-esteem.
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Emily Hoskins (2015)
Self-Esteem for Women. The ultimate woman's guide to loving yourself and building high self-esteem.

Alan W. Watts (2011)
The Wisdom of Insecurity. A message for an age of anxiety. Vintage

Brene Brown (2007)
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't). Making the journey from "what will people think?" to "I am enough".

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Further reading


Copyright 2014, 2015 by Gerhard K. Heilig. All rights reserved.

Updated: 3 February 2015