What men really want

Updated: 3 July 2015

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Dad's experience

Of course, every man is different. Some men are crazy for cars, others like to go fishing. Some men like guns, others like to pray in a church - and quite a few like both. Some like to run marathons, others like to sleep on a couch. Some men like boxing matches, others like to collect butterflies. Many men like to be rich, some like to be famous. Quite a few men like to be smart, many like to be strong. But there are a few things most (heterosexual) men really want (from a woman):

Sex. Most men's behavior towards women is initially driven by the desire to find a sex partner. If a man pays attention to a woman, the first thing he thinks about is how to get into her pants. It doesn't matter whether the woman is a sharp Harvard-graduate or a cute cashier at Wal-Mart's - if a man is interested it is, at first, always about sex (Sorry - in my experience 99% of men initially don't care about your intelligence, your character, your cloth, or your make up.)

Admiration. In the presence of women men usually have the desire to show off. They show off their bodies, their intelligence, their wealth or their power. Men have to establish a position of strength - otherwise they feel unsure or even threatened.

The feeling of power and dominance. Men want to be seen as strong and powerful. Very few men are comfortable with a dominating, intelligent woman. Perhaps this is the reason, why more and more young men today remain in the development stage of "boy-men". They cannot grow up, because they constantly feel intimidated by more and more independent and dominating young women.

Comfort. If they can afford it, most men are lazy bums. They like to be pampered. They like a woman to wash their socks, clean the kitchen, take care of grocery shopping, cook their food, bring the children to hockey training and put out clean bed covers. Lots of men like nothing better than dozing on a couch after having sex and watching TV with a beer and a sack of potato chips.

Independence and risk. Men (sometimes) love to feel independent - even if they are not. They race around with their cars, motor bikes or speed boats - feeling great. It gives them a sense of freedom and of being in control. Men like to go on adventure.

Fight. Men usually like to be tough guys who protect their country, their family, their religion, or their "tribe", which can be something as stupid as getting into a brawl over a football club. In fact, men have started real shooting wars to get revenge for a lost football match. The desire to defend their turf is built into the male genome by evolution. Men want women to admire such heroism. Most human males are fiercely territorial. Perfectly harmless men can become killing machines when they believe they are fighting for the right cause against a "ruthless" enemy. When in such a state, ordinary men can commit the most brutal atrocities against other men, women and children.
 

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Advice for women

Don't be naive! Men think of sex, while women think of love. This is certainly the most common reason of misunderstanding between men and women. For women, sex is usually part of a relationship, while for most men the two can be completely independent.

Don't take him too serious on the first date! Men want to impress, while women want to talk and be understood. First dates between men and women often end in mutual frustration. He tries to show off, while she tries to talk and get to know him. That is precisely what he hates. He doesn't want to be known. He wants to be admired, respected or even feared. On a first date men often do all kinds of stupid and silly things - they are extremely rude, cynical and aggressive or show off risky behavior (such as driving hands-off on a motor bike or steering a car with their feet). Many serious (car) accidents happen when men try to demonstrate their virility and impress a woman on their first date.

Is he strong - or just brutal? Find out quickly! Men like to dominate while women like to be courted by a strong male. Men often don't understand that women like strength in a man, but hate brutality. Most women are turned on, when a strong, powerful man is polite, gentle, and attentive. She wants him to be aggressively defending her. But there can be a fine line between male strength and abusive brutality.

Don't be attracted to losers. One of the most pathological relationships between men an women is a bond between a compassionate female and a male looser. Love affairs between (former) prison inmates and social workers are notorious, but there are all kinds of emotionally imbalanced relationships. Some women seem to be unstoppably attracted to abusive men. She always believes she can save him with her love. Forget this nonsense and don't ruin your life. Don't mix up your motherly instincts with stupidity!

It's not your fault when he cheats! Women typically believe that men cheat because they are not attractive enough. Forget it! Men have cheated on the most beautiful, attractive and sexy women - all too often with some drunken, dirty slut they found in a bar. Don't ruin your health with cosmetic surgery, waste your money on absurdly expensive cloths or torture yourself with an insane diet - just to keep your man. All this has absolutely nothing to do with his faithfulness. Most men are faithful because they are too shy, too lazy, or really afraid that they might lose the partner and family they love.
 
 

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The Male Brain.
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Further reading

David P. Schmitt / Todd K Shackelford / David M. Buss (2001) Are men really more 'oriented' toward short-term mating than women? A critical review of theory and research. Psychology, Evolution & Gender, Vol 3, No. 3, 211-239

Adrian F. Ward (2012) Men and women can't be "just friends". Scientific American, October 23, 2012

 

Copyright 2014, 2015 by Gerhard K. Heilig. All rights reserved.

Updated: 3 February 2015